• CELEBRATING BUFFALO TOGETHER
    #totallybuffalo

    CELEBRATING BUFFALO TOGETHER
    #TOTALLY BUFFALO

 

Turning Anger Into Hope was a Game-Changer

I dread this day.

And I celebrate it, too.

Exactly 9 years ago, my daughter nearly died. So I hate this day.

But, she lived. So I celebrate it.

Just about everything in my life is categorized BEFORE and AFTER Maria’s accident.  Funny how that happens. It’s almost like a different person, different family. And in many ways, it really is.

You may or may not know that my daughter, Maria was involved in a terrible accident 8 years ago. It was hell. She was camping with her father when the tragedy happened.

She was accidentally shot by a little boy playing with what he thought was an unloaded gun.

It wasn’t unloaded.

There was one bullet in the chamber.

That’s all it takes.

Just One.

The bullet went into Maria’s thigh. It shattered her femur and severed her femoral artery. She nearly bled to death right then and there. My daughter, Alexa tied a sweatshirt around her sister’s leg and saved her life. My life-saving Lex! I couldn’t believe it when I got the phone call. Worst of my life. I was in shock – talking to Maria as they loaded her onto the helicopter. She was in bad shape.

Thank GOD for Mercy Flight – Maria was flown to a trauma center in Rochester. She would have died, otherwise.

I was able to get in touch with my husband, Scott – who met me at Strong. He got there first in fact. He was in the middle of a show with his band when he got my call. He dropped everything.

I recall that moment I first saw Maria. She was as white as the sheet covering her. She didn’t appear to be in pain – she was on massive medications with bags of blood dripping into her – she’d lost a lot. The surgeon made me sign a consent form saying they may have to amputate her leg. I told them we could live without her leg – but not without her. Dr. Kim promised he would do his best. He did. He saved her life and her leg.

The next few days Maria was kept in a medically induced coma. Scariest days of my life.

Maria spent a few months at Strong Memorial Hospital in Rochester. And then several months at Boston Children’s Hospital. Followed by 8 weeks of outpatient rehab also in Boston.

She had massive nerve pain that was tough to control. She developed an infection  in her spine that nearly killed her – but she continued to be strong.

We were roommates for months. Everything else in life was put on hold. My job. My home. My marriage. My pets. My friends. I was wrapped up in my girl and her care.

It’s funny what I remember from that time period. It was a robotic existence. Wake up, talk to doctors, get breakfast for us, watch Maria struggle through physical therapy, try and pass time, get lunch, more therapy, more doctors, get dinner, watch a movie or read to Maria, get a snack for her, be sure she gets her meds, call and check on Alexa, talk to my husband, try and get some sleep on the chair while checking on Maria. Cry.

Repeat.

Repeat. Repeat times around 180 times.

She was antsy.

I was livid. Like, LIVID! How could THIS HAPPEN?

For weeks, I spent nearly all of my time fuming on the inside. How could this happen? I was bitter and angry.

It took quite some time for me to realize how much the anger build up was hurting me.

I started including the hospital chapel into my daily routine. That helped me so much. Instead of being angry with God, I asked for help. They had a little table in the chapel. On the table was a basket, some paper and pencils. They encouraged you to write down your wish, your prayer – your feelings – and put it in the basket. No name needed.

I did.

Everyday. The same prayer. Same feelings. Same everything.

The hospital chaplain came to visit Maria – at her request – every day.  I could tell by the way he talked to us that he had connected those anonymous prayers to me. He told me one day that I should turn my anger to something else. Anything else, basically.

     

So I did.

I turned it into determination.

I asked friends and family to send Maria positive, inspirational quotes that we could hang on the wall of her hospital room. And boy did they. The truth is – those quotes were just as much for me as they were for Maria. I took a walk to the Harvard Book Store which was right across the street from the hospital and found an amazing book on inspirational stories and quotes. I would read it to Maria every night.

Lex and my sister, Paula came to Boston and we painted our hospital window – “Pain is temporary, quitting lasts forever.” It’s a Lance Armstrong quote that said what we felt.

 

It was a game-changer.

It made a world of difference. I felt hopeful. That’s the key, really. Whatever the situation, however dire it may be, it’s hope that you need most. One of my favorite sayings is “If you have hope, you have everything.”

We began to laugh more. I walked to a hair salon and got a hair cut – after six months of nothing. I felt like a new woman. I convinced the lady to come and cut Maria’s hair, too. It was amazing. We started to feel like human beings again. We started to feel the tide turning. My husband came to Boston on a regular basis – he was a life-line.

We stopped hiding inside ourselves. We started accepting help. We started to live again. Sure, it wasn’t our life – but it was life. And life is good.

     

We even had friends fly to Boston to visit. My best friend flew from Seattle for a few days and it meant the world to us. My sister came what seemed like every other week. Alexa came often – she became a Jet Blue frequent flier at 14 – and the incredible hospital staff in Boston let her stay in Maria’s room with us.

They say attitude is everything and guess what – it is.

Maria was still in pain. I was still incredibly sad. But, we finally saw a light – a dim one – but a light nonetheless.  We knew we were finally headed in the right direction.  We changed up our routine a bit. I would put Maria into a wagon – she couldn’t walk at all – and pull her into the courtyard where we could feel the sunshine on our skin. We found a Ms. Pacman game in the hospital and played non-stop in the afternoons. We actually laughed!

Our days still sucked, but they sucked much less.

 

Sometimes I still look at some of those photos and see the pain in Maria’s eyes. I see the courage, too. And I am forever grateful to the people who saved her.

     

 

I’m telling you – that basket with the paper and pens really changed the trajectory of our journey.

So think about that the next time you are struggling. Think about where you can find inspiration. Our friends showered us with beautiful sayings, pictures and quotes. We still have them – in boxes and in our hearts.

If you know of someone going through challenging, difficult times – send them love and HOPE. It will make a difference. I promise.

We made it through the hospital stay and then spend a few months in outpatient therapy in Boston. That was where Maria worked incredibly hard to learn to walk again. She went from 9-5 everyday.

         

The Pediatric Pain Rehabilitation Center is known around the world – they are the best of the best. They only treat 5 or 6 children at a time. Most children stay for a week or two. Maria holds the record for the longest stay at nearly two months. We stayed in a hotel just outside Boston – funny how we sort of missed the machine beeps, staff visits and everything else that comes with hospital stays.

It was a crazy few months but it brought me my girl back. She was incredibly strong and never gave up. She held onto that hope.

We are so grateful and thankful and will be forever. Thankful to the friends, family and strangers who sent cards, blankets, toys, gifts and love to us.

It’s hard to believe that was nine years ago. NINE. Almost a decade.

Maria is doing amazingly well and living a happy life – helping others in the medical field – working with UBMD!!!!!  She is engaged to be married next year. She doesn’t hate her scars – she celebrates them and says they are a reminder of that time – and come with knowledge that if she can get through that horror – she can get through anything!

I’m beyond proud.

July 31st.

Ugh, I dread this day.

But, I celebrate it, too.

There is an awful lot to celebrate.

 

 

Mary Friona

Editor-In-Chief at Totally Buffalo
Following my heart with my husband and four daughters. An Emmy Award winning journalist lucky enough to work in television & radio for 20 years -seeing wonderful places, meeting great people and telling their stories.
Mary Friona

Mary Friona

Following my heart with my husband and four daughters. An Emmy Award winning journalist lucky enough to work in television & radio for 20 years - seeing wonderful places, meeting great people and telling their stories.

Comments (11)

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    Sheila Gannon

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    What a beautiful story . Love and HOPE – simple and yet so hard for many to see in this age of instant gratification.
    What is the name of inspirational quotes book that you bought ? Need to share with someone that needs HOPE

    Reply

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      Mary Friona

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      I will look through my boxes soon and try to find that book! I can’t recall the name but it was sure a game changer! Maybe I should write one of my own!!!

      Reply

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    Kim a Szczepankiewicz

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    This was an inspiring read. It made me smile… first real smile in quite a while.

    Reply

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      Mary Friona

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      Thank you so much! Makes me smile everyday!

      Reply

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    Tricia Lebediker

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    Elliot and I are so happy the story had a happy ending. Maria is such an amazing young woman! You and the hubby are blessed. While this was such a tumultuous time for your family, the song that came from this tragedy is as beautiful as Maria and everytime I hear it I remember to smile and say a little thank you that she came out ok!

    Reply

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      Mary Friona

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      You are so sweet, Tricia! Thank you so much!!!!

      Reply

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    Kathy Philipps

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    Thank you so much for sharing this, I read it on a day that I could really use it. I am so happy your daughter is alive and well. God bless your family

    Reply

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    Tracy Diina

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    Mary you are an amazing woman. I think so highly of you because you are a person who says great things—and actually does them too. I can’t imagine how scary that time was for you. So glad you are all doing so well now.

    Reply

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      Mary Friona

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      Thank you so much! I admire you and the work you do as well!!!!

      Reply

  • Avatar

    Julie

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    I had no idea that this happened to your family. Probably because 8 years ago, I wasn’t paying attention to guns or shootings, accidental or otherwise.
    My brother was shot and killed in Kaisertown back in 2015. Wrong place, wrong time. This never should have happened to him. One wrong bullet went right into is aorta and he died. ECMC tried for almost 5 hours to save him. I read your story and I know your anger. It’s different from mine but when I read your story, I can relate. I’m struggling to not be angry anymore. After all that has happened, I’m curious to know: your opinion on guns. Was it really the chaplain and turning to God what showed you that dim light? I’m going on 3 years and sometimes I see the light and then it goes out.
    Have you or your daughter ever thought about speaking publicly about your journey or do you forget it happened except for on July 31? Just some things I was wondering. It can be comforting to hear other people’s stories.
    Thank you for sharing yours.
    I thoroughly enjoy reading your blog and especially more so, today❤️

    Reply

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      Mary Friona

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      Hi Julie,

      Thank you for the comment. I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your brother. It’s heartbreaking.
      I was filled with anger – but time, and yes faith helped me climb out. Living with anger is not doing anything except hurting you. Think about what you have to be grateful for in life. It’s obviously different because Maria survived.
      We are getting to a point where we may begin speaking publicly. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about it and Maria lives with scars and pain daily so this is not something we think about once a year. We live by the notion – when it comes to your past, you should look back, but not stare. We can’t dwell on it although we do talk about it on a regular basis. As for my feelings on guns – I don’t blame the gun, I blame the person who was playing with it and the adults who allowed such a thing to happen. I, like anyone, hate gun violence but believe in the 2nd amendment.
      I am proud of my daughter and grateful to the doctors and nurses who saved her.
      Sending prayers and well wishes to you. You deserve happiness. Remember that.

      Reply

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