I had never really thought about it.
Birthdays in Heaven… it wasn’t on my radar.
Today, it’s all I’m thinking about.
My dad would have turned 81 today. 81 isn’t that old, really. But that doesn’t even matter. He’s not here. He’s in Heaven.
So, I wondered what it must be like – up there. I know, it’s deep right? I try not to think quite so deeply when I know there’s no way to find the answer – I mean, there’s what I think, what I hope, what I want, but nothing I know for sure.
What I do know – is birthdays are tough when the person you love is not here. Do we celebrate them? Do we do what they would have done? I thought about that.
I had planned to go to Florida for a few days to be with my sisters and brother, but decided it would be too hard. I haven’t been there yet since my dad died. Truthfully, I don’t want to go there. I feel like it would just be sad. Why go there and be even more sad?
Does this mean I won’t be taking my girls to Walt Disney World?
Does this mean I won’t visit my siblings?
Or will it just take time to do it?
Again, a question without an answer.
What I do know is that I don’t know anything when it comes to this cloud of grief. I don’t know how to navigate it. I don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t know how to comfort my children. I just don’t know.
What I do know is that my dad would never want to see me so sad. He hated when I was sad. He did everything in his power to prevent it. He did everything he could to make me happy. He was so good at that.
It’s funny how little control we have over matters of the heart. Did you ever think about that? How no matter what we do – we can’t stop feeling the way we feel.
Sure, there are temporary fixes or trying to will yourself to think a certain way – but our hearts do what our hearts do. Our hearts feel what they feel. When we end a relationship, or when someone we love is hurting, or when we lose someone – doesn’t matter – our heart’s desire is its own choice.
There are tools to help us frame and identify what we are feeling.
But, there is no timeline for grief.
So today, I will just give in to the sadness. I’ll bundle up my girls and bring them to the cemetery.
There will be no celebrating.
There are five stages of grief.
Denial – check.
Anger – check.
Bargaining – check.
Depression – check.
Acceptance – not quite, I guess.
Maybe someday, but not today.
Happy Birthday in Heaven, dad.